so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
