If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
