i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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