I can text with my tongue
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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