I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
