So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
