so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
