My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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