Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
