we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
