I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize