just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
