he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
