nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
