in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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