The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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