I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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