Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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