I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize