got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
