I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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