walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
