It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
