batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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