Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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