The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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