i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
