i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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