Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
