I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
