Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
