My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
