I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
