She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
