I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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