theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
