The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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