In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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