Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
