She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
