Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
