I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
