There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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