No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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