I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
