Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize