Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
