I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
