Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
