ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
