i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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