dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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