my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
