I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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