We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
