she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
