My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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