The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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