how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
