why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize