i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
