Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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